I guess I was depressed, but I was not desperate or suicidal. I was just really unhappy. And it sounds ridiculous and obvious to say, but I was so tired of being unhappy. I was weary of showing up to my unpaid summer position at a government office that offered no hope for a post-graduation job. I had to pick my classes and nothing interested me. I had to apply for jobs, but there were virtually none available to apply for. And the worst part was knowing that I had another year of this ahead of me.
Two years prior to that, I was in my early twenties. I was happy, healthy had great friends, and a dead-end but stable job in a city I loved. Fast forward to 2010 and I was in a city I had come to dislike, lonely, gaining weight and run ragged by stress and regret. I wanted those two years back more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted a do-over, a reset button. For the first time in my life, I just felt old. I wasn't. Not exactly, anyway. But it dawned on me in a way that it never had before that we only get one shot at life, and that I had wasted two years doing something I ended up despising, and was about to waste a third. I felt that I had squandered the happiness and contentment I had obtained in what I know see was a relatively charmed life after college.
The law school scam-busting blogs have done an immense service by warning people about the risk of attending law school. But on a selfish level, when I started my blog, it just felt really good to be a part of something productive. Unhappiness can be so isolating. Suddenly, when I would write a post, I could check the stats and see that people were reading my thoughts. Sometimes those people were reading my thoughts at 3:30 in the morning. It made me feel so much less alone to know that even a few people cared about what I had to say. And while I am under no illusion that people have been waiting with bated breath, frantically refreshing my blog for months on end in the hopes that I would update again, I do feel a little bad that I left the readers I had hanging.
I hope that all of my readers are doing well, and I apologize if I have not been terribly responsive to comments or email. I thought I was better off trying to let go of the past, but you know what they say about that: Those that fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Maybe by talking about my own experiences, I will spare someone the pain of repeating my mistakes!
Please do keep in touch!